Mothering the Pain: The "Why" That Finally Changed My Medicine

If you are going to walk the trail of regenerative healing, you need a "Why." And I am going to tell you right now: wanting to "feel better" is rarely a strong enough reason to endure what it takes to truly heal. You will go back to this "Why" often. It is the anchor that holds you when the trail gets dark.

Years ago, my "Why" was the Appalachian Trail. I wanted to hike it to change my story, to return to a childlike curiosity about the natural world, to push myself, and to live simply. It was a beautiful goal. But the truth? It wasn’t a strong enough "Why." Even out there in the wild, seeking sovereignty, I wasn't brave enough to get off my heavy medications.

My true "Why" didn't arrive until we were living in rural West Virginia.

The Shift: Ancestral Living & The Midwifery Model

I was teaching outdoor education and found myself surrounded by inspiring mentors who were living differently. They were old-time homesteaders and a circle of midwives embodying ancestral living and practicing deep nature connection every single day.

When my husband and I decided we wanted to get pregnant with our first child, I could feel something shifting in my heart. I knew I wanted to get off my medication. By my second trimester, I was strongly encouraged to drop the NSAIDs.

And then, something miraculous happened: my body found some relief. While I still experienced occasional flare-ups, my pain scale hovered around a manageable 3 or 4. I got to experience the profound gift of holding life inside my body. I could feel a spirit growing, a vitality that was not just my own.

We chose to have a homebirth under the midwifery model of care, and it was my first time truly understanding that securing a healthy baby and a healthy mother requires so much more than swallowing a prenatal vitamin and going to ultrasound appointments. It requires tending to the entire ecosystem.

The Science of the Pregnancy "Remission"

The medical system will tell you that for some women it is possible to go into "remission" during pregnancy if you have an autoimmune disease, attributing it to luck or a temporary shift of hormones. But there is a brilliant, biological reason for this.

What your immune system does during pregnancy: Autoimmune disease is essentially an overactive immune system attacking your own tissues. But when you become pregnant, your body has to perform a biological miracle: it has to house a foreign entity (your baby, which contains half of your partner's DNA) without attacking and rejecting it.

To protect the baby, a woman’s body naturally down-regulates its inflammatory immune cells (the Th1 response) and significantly increases its protective, tolerant immune cells (T-regulatory cells). Your body essentially calls a "ceasefire" on inflammation so the baby can grow safely.

But here is the hard truth: This is a biological truce, not a cure. The underlying "soil" of the gut and the nervous system hasn't been fixed; the fire has just been temporarily smothered by pregnancy hormones.

The Postpartum Crash

I found out exactly what that meant two months postpartum.

My symptoms came back overnight. I woke up with my hands and knuckles completely fused and ANGRY. My beautiful, healthy newborn boy was asleep on my chest, and I couldn't even lift him without grimacing in agony.

I prayed it was just a glitch. I hoped it was just a strange injury. But the following days and then weeks revealed a terrifying reality. Not only was my Rheumatoid Arthritis back, but it had returned with a vengeance. The fire spread to my hands, my elbows, my hips, my knees, my ankles, and my toes.

This is how I know I was never truly in "remission."

I was suddenly navigating sleepless nights, a crying baby, and the heavy, suffocating weight of postpartum depression. Intrusive thoughts flooded my mind: I am never going to be able to run after him. I will never be able to throw him in the air and catch him. I will have to share his entire childhood with the dark shadow of chronic pain. I was consumed by the regret that I wouldn't be able to give him my everything.

Going In: The Birth Portal of Healing

It would have been so easy to make the phone call. I could have called my rheumatologist, surrendered to the pain, and gone right back to the heavy medications I knew. That would mean no more breast feeding among and possibly no more future children.

But I didn't. Instead of running from the pain, I went in.

Similar to the intense, transformative portal of giving birth, I went into the pain. I took hold of her hand. I held her. I learned to love her, to listen to what she was screaming for, and to mother her. I realized that if I was going to be the mother my son deserved, I had to first learn how to mother my own body. I had to finally do the hard work of rebuilding the soil so the fire would stop burning.

Becoming a mother is my "Why."

You cannot heal simply because you hate being sick. You have to heal because you love something else too much to stay there. I strongly encourage you to find your "Why" before you take another step on this trail.

If you are ready to define it, I can help you. Link: Check out The Sovereign Step today!